War of Freedom

I’m ashamed of who I’ve become,
the bad taste of my words and regret of my actions
Regret weaves a thread of shame and rejection, continuously locking me into its prison
Freedom is a dream once lived before the war, but I can’t believe in her anymore
Though I try, I cannot ignore the doubt that has overcome my heart
Pride had me believing I had won the war

Multiple times I promised to repent and start over again
I tried to keep it,
to tame it,
killing myself to perfect it,
yet soon discovered this job is dangerous.
Who will listen to me and get their hands dirty?
Who will chase me even after I push them away?
Every promise is broken and lies are revealed
Slipping and falling in pits of rejection and hate, I cannot find the Healer in a hole so wide and deep
The silence inside roars like a lion and the darkness covers my eyes
Once pride captured the freedom of a wicked creature who could not see or make a sound,
he squeezed it tight until freedom was a distant dream
Opening its mouth to scream, a flood of its own poisonous blood flooded in so it could drink deeply of its own heart

Serpents quickly unlock my mind and whisper their way inside
I’m standing inside a dark room, shadows shrieking at me between the crevices as I’m dying inside.
Do You know what this is like?
Can you hold on to me even though I slip away from You sometimes?
I’m screaming up at the sky hoping you haven’t lost me in your sight
I’ve never felt so alone, so exposed to the creature I really am
This is who I was, this is who I’m fighting against.
Breath baited, I’m quietly waiting
Maybe You’ll rescue me from this fiery prison

Look at me now, look at this mess
I’m a pawn for the serpents repeatedly shoved backwards in this darkness
I try to maintain perfection, but can You see I have no rest?
I’m constantly running around looking for life instead of death,
but ending up in a coffin instead, my heart dying of exhaustion
I slipped underground without even noticing, void of any oxygen
Tears wet my face and terror ripped apart my heart
I’m desperately calling out Your name
All the weapons I had fought with in battle have disappeared, leaving me fallen in surrender
The bitterness of death crawls down my throat to encompass a heart rotting within a tortured corpse
I can’t see you
Can you see me?
I’m standing here calling you
Can you hear me?